Is loneliness dangerous?

Well, no, not to adults. Not physically anyway. It’s complicated. But there was a time in your life when loneliness was very dangerous to you and that may be affecting your adult relationships. From the 1930’s to 1970’s, John Bowlby formulated what is called "Attachment Theory." Later, one of his students Mary Ainsworth expanded that work into infant attachment styles, and since the 1980’s, Sue Johnson has been further expanding the theory into couples therapy work with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. There are obviously more people to credit, but I chose these for this article. Again, it is complicated, and there is not enough space or time here to go into all of the details.

According to the work of these and other theorists, attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.

One major thing that we have learned through these and other researchers is that we humans are pre-programed before birth to develop deep bonds with at least one caregiver as soon as possible upon entering the world. This makes sense, right? An infant cannot survive in this world without someone to provide for his/her every need.

When a baby is hungry, wet,dirty, tired, cold, or lonely he/she is programmed to loudly tell caregivers about the need. Ideally, the caregiver will come lickety-split to meet that need and calm the storm of anxiety within that infant. There was a time in all our lives when loneliness was indeed a matter of life and death.

I am asked often by couples "Why do we treat each other so much worse than we treat our friends or even total strangers?"

The answer seems to fit the Attachment theory model quite well. You see, that person you chose to intimately commit yourself to has the power to "rock your world" in both the positive and negative sense. Intimate partners have the ability to build up or tear down and heal or hurt each other more than anyone else in their lives. It is almost consciously inexplicable. But the part of the brain that knows loneliness is life-threatening as an infant is still active on a small scale today as an adult. Fortunately, we have developed our "adult brain" to challenge those beliefs as we recognize them.

One way we see this at work is when you have conflict with your intimate partner. The fight, flight, or freeze response is activated because that part of your brain informs you that conflict could cause this person to leave – and that feels dangerous. So you or your partner may do just that: fight, flight or freeze, which can take on many faces. We also call it the pursue or withdraw pattern of conflict. The more one partner pursues, the more the other may withdraw.

Another way we see this belief affecting our interactions is when a person initiates or maintains a toxic and unhealthy relationship. It seems better than being alone. These are dangerous beliefs because they play in the background where it’s difficult to identify and challenge.

One last way, which is also addressed in an article by my colleague Salley Sutmiller, is in our "social" media usage.

I used the quotations because though you may think you are being social, your brain actually knows better. Research is showing over and over again that more social media use leads to a greater sense of isolation. That part of the brain that longs for deep attachment with another human who is safe is not activated by looking at words or pictures on a screen. Longer hours looking at that screen can keep us from the human activities which provide that sense of attachment.

So remember: as an infant, loneliness was life threatening. This leads to a longing for deep attachment bonds as an adult. If you are in a marriage or other intimate partnership, you have the unique opportunity to provide that attachment bond to your partner. If you are not currently in an intimate partnership, have no fear. You can get that attachment through your friendships and other meaningful endeavors.

But remember, "social" media and toxic relationships will not provide your human needs for attachment. Though it can certainly be uncomfortable at times loneliness is not physically dangerous. It’s complicated.

Written by Chris Giles, M.S.