The wedding is over, the bride and groom begin adjusting to their life together, and the parents are doing a fair share of adjusting as well.

Parents go through numerous transitional periods with their children.

Adjusting to their birth, beginning school, driving, dating, off to college and eventually marriage. For me, there was a dim finality when our daughter married and her bedroom was packed up and moved into “their home”. The marriage of a child is one of the last separation stages parents and children experience, and the right attitude toward it can be key to maintaining a good relationship. The way I handled changes taking place in my daughter’s life would influence the future closeness or distance I would have with the new couple.

Yes, I felt a sense of loss among all the happiness; however, giving myself permission to feel that loss, as well as grieve it, was healthy. The right attitude toward this separation would cushion the loss and enable my adult child to feel supported in her new spousal role.

Here are a few attitude changes that I found helpful to make:

Sensitivity.

Be sensitive to the fact that the primary relationship of your child is now with their spouse. Their commitment to God comes first; then the bond to their spouse, and then to you as parents.

Good news! You now have time and  opportunity to focus on your own marriage and make changes that will enhance it. Talking with your spouse about your feelings brings sensitivity into your own marriage and allows connection to take place. Build on that connection by having fun together or learning something new. My husband and I took up bicycling when our last daughter married. It gave us time together, topic for conversation, and something to look forward to on the weekends.

Flexibility.

Be flexible when sharing the couple’s time with the other in-laws. Try to understand that when your child marries, their family circle expands and relationships become more complicated; they are having to share the same amount of free time among a greater number of family members.

It gets even more complicated when there are step-families within the circle. Don’t add to the couple’s stress by playing the Guilt Card because your time with them is limited. An understanding spirit will be appreciated – guaranteed.

Privacy.

Allow me to be blunt:  Don’t meddle in their business, don’t visit too often, and don’t overstay your welcome.   In other words, be the in-law you desire to have.  Your behavior will enhance your relationship with both your child and their spouse.

Let Go.

This process should have begun in the teenage years, teaching them responsibility and independence. Enabling your child to become an adult of marriageable quality helps you both feel secure when the time actually arrives for marriage.

It then includes reducing your responsibility as parents and extending the couple’s responsibility of making choices for themselves and living with their consequences. Respect them as adults, and remember that no matter how wise you are or how valuable your advice might be, until it is ready to be received, it’s worthless!

My intention is not to offend, but to bring awareness to the role of in-law. In 1961, Ernie K-Doe’s song “Mother-in-law” was a big hit (I thought it pretty funny back then). It painted a picture of a woman giving unsolicited advice, asking how much the husband made, and stating “if she’d leave us alone, we’d have a happy home”……OUCH!

Forty years later and in the mother-in-law role, I still appreciate this song – but for its instructional message instead of its humor. I can leave the newlyweds alone and bike ride with my husband at the same time!

Written by Lois Trost, M.S.W.