The quality of relationship you have with your adult children will often determine how much counsel your children will accept from you. It is important not to rush to judgments or counsel before you have earned the right to speak. Rushed judgments or counsel before it is welcome can permanently damage relationships with our adult children and their future spouse.

Be very slow to express any disapproval you might feel.

The key here is that this is an adult child, now capable of making independent decisions. If they already have their mind made up, expressing disapproval make only serve to damage the relationship you have with your adult child. Mistakes made at this phase of life can effect future relationships for the rest of your life.

Any negative opinions you might express toward your adult child’s chosen spouse will likely get back to them.

Your disapproval may offend, damage trust, and cause your child’s future spouse to pull away. If your adult child goes ahead and marries this person, they may never like or trust you, or allow you into their life.

Consider the gift of premarital counseling to your adult children considering marriage. A comprehensive assessment of the strengths and weaknesses of a planned marriage, offered by a trained and objective professional, may carry more weight than your own opinion. Further, this gives your adult children the counseling or therapy they may need to get their relationship on firm ground.

Written by Dale Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D.